I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize