Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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