Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
