the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
