nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
