Soap is not a condiment
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you traded sex for a burrito?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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