He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
