I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
