woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Randomize
