I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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