Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My pussy is not your playground.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
