I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
