i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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