just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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