Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.