im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!