if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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