I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
