No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
