Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
