I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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