Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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