Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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