I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
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had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
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I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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