Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
