Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There r osticjed everywhere
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
