i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
