Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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