So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
