Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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