I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
