do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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