So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
