Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
