I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
