my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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