I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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