I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
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You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
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I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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