remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
