i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
