I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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