i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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