Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
