i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
