How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
