she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i barfeds in our rink
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
