I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
