i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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