The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
