He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
