we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
