I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
and eventually we just all took our pants off
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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