I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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