I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Found the puke drawer
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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