shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
