i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
